These Moments We Live
by LoveMercilessly
Summary: A series of short fics and drabbles showcasing Shepard's thoughts and experiences through ME3. Mentions of Shepard/Kaidan but focuses on Shepard/Garrus mainly. Mostly in chronological order.
1. Coming to Conclusions

She hadn't meant to shut him down so hard but when he'd insinuated that she was no better than the monstrous hybrid that Cerberus had made of the soldier at their feet she couldn't contain the bitterness that had plagued her since Horizon. When she's seen him on earth, for the first time since that day, it had been like a punch to the gut. He looked good, even if the guarded manner in which he addressed her had set her teeth on edge. When Anderson addressed him as Major she'd felt a surge of mingled pride and sorrow. Pride that the young man she'd loved had found his own way forward from the darkness of his past. Sorrow that she hadn't been part of that journey. He'd apologized and she'd made a joke, something he used to appreciate about her but now only served to make him uncomfortable if the way he tensed at her words had any meaning. She'd pushed it from her mind with the threat of a Reaper attack so near and hadn't thought about it again until he'd started questioning her on Mars. Each accusation, each display of his lack of faith had been like the slice of a knife to her. He wasn't the same man she remembered, the same man who'd given her the confidence to keep going when facing impossible odds. Deep down she'd known that already, after their meeting on Horizon, but she'd still hoped that he was in there somewhere, that she hadn't lost that anchor to her past. Then when he'd kept pushing and saying that she must know what Cerberus was up to, that he thought there was more to her involvement with Cerberus than she would admit, it dawned on her why she was disappointed that her memory of him wasn't living up to the reality. Garrus.

Garrus, who'd been just as devastated by her death as Kaidan; Garrus who had run off to Omega and risked his life every day because of the pain he felt at losing her; Garrus who'd never once doubted her since she came back. He'd greeted with open arms and had fallen into step with her like they'd never been apart. She'd felt a flash of anger at the realization. Why had it been so easy for Garrus to accept her, and not Kaidan? So she'd said it. Lashed out at him in her pain and had been surprised to feel an odd mixture of relief and sorrow flowing through her as she told him that he was in her past, that the woman he'd loved had moved on. She watched the wall come up behind his eyes with a bitter sort of satisfaction. It was petty, and unlike her, but it was also oddly freeing. Suddenly she wondered where Garrus was, what he was doing. She hadn't had a moment to think of him since this started and felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't crossed her mind until now. Had he heard about the attack on earth? Did he think she was dead? Was he worried about her?

What had developed between them during the Collector mission was so new; they'd barely begun to bond before she'd been ordered back to Earth to stand trial for her "crimes". The nervous weeks of fumbling their way to an understanding of each other's desires had culminated in nights of frenzied passion, learning each other's bodies and whispering secrets in the dark. Then the call had come from Hackett and she'd dropped him off on Palaven on the way back to earth. He'd been the last of the team to leave, wanting to stay with her as long as he could. She'd watched him walk down that dock, turning back to lock eyes with her and had felt a shudder run through her at the thought that this might be the last time she saw him. They knew the Reapers were coming; it was only a matter of time. The question was, would it be enough time for them to find their way back to each other? She'd seen the same feeling mirrored in those bright blue eyes as the Normandy's doors closed in front of her, robbing them of one last glimpse as the ship rose into the air. For a moment she was back in that bed with him, on that first night when he was so nervous that she thought he might faint. She could still remember the feel of him against her, the rough rasp of plates against smooth skin, the sound of his voice rumbling through her as he moaned while she writhed against him. A smile pricked her lips at the thought but she shook herself free of the memory, her hand squeezing around the com she'd pulled from the dead soldier's helmet. If she wanted to have another such moment with him she couldn't let herself get distracted. They had a mission to complete but she promised herself that once they got back to the Normandy with the data and set course for the Citadel she'd try to contact him. Radioing the Cerberus team across the tramway she pushed all thoughts of Garrus and Kaidan from her mind. The here and now was what mattered. All the rest could wait.


	2. Coming to Terms

The elevator was as slow as she remembered. It seemed like a lifetime ago, when she'd first stepped foot onto the citadel with Kaidan and Ashley in tow. Now here she was, in that same elevator but alone, Ashley dead for almost three years and Kaidan fighting for his life at one of the Citadel's top hospitals. She'd wanted to go with him, to be there for Kaidan at least until she knew he was alright but knew she couldn't. The council was her priority, despite how much it tore at her to know that if Kaidan died now he'd do so thinking she hated him. Guilt threatened to swamp her as the image of his face, closed and drawn after she'd rejected him pushed to the forefront of her mind. No matter what else had happened between them he was still her friend. She pushed the feeling aside as the door opened to reveal Liara already there, a worried frown marring her features. Placing a hand on Liara's shoulder she nodded toward the council chamber. It took everything she had to mount those stairs, so much more daunting than they had been the first time she'd walked up them. Back then she'd had faith in the Council, hadn't yet come to realize how little they cared for helping others unless it benefited them. Now, she hoped rather than believed they would extend their aid to the Alliance, to the countless people depending on them for rescue back home who didn't know just how unlikely it was that the council would offer any help.

They didn't disappoint. Shaking her head in disgust she stalked off the platform and made a beeline for the elevator. Scrabbling, cowardly politicians the lot of them; did they really think that any of them would be able to hold their own against the Reapers? She knew they were frightened, trying to ensure their own race's safety but it still rankled that after everything she'd done for them they still doubted her. They still wanted her to jump through hoops on their behalf without offering a single thing in return. She didn't realize until the elevator stopped at the Embassy Suites that she'd left Liara behind. Heaving a sigh she stepped off the lift into chaos.

People were everywhere. Supplicants seeking aid, politicians discussing battle plans, reporters clamoring for statements – it was nearly deafening. The sight of it cooled her ire. Caught up in her thoughts of those left behind she'd forgotten what those who had made it out were dealing with. The councilors might deserve her anger but these people didn't. Straightening her shoulders she pushed through the crowd, doing her best to calm those she passed until she made it through the throng, marching up the stairs toward Udina's office. The best way she could help those people was to forge ahead, to make what peace she could with the other council races until they could strike back. Udina looked up as she entered and she nodded to him. They had battle plans to discuss.


	3. Strength through Adversity

The flight to Menae was agony. The countless hours between the Citadel and Palaven's moon were spent in fitful worried sleep, plagued by dreams of the last 36 hours -the destruction on Earth, all the people dying and afraid. When Traynor had woke her she'd almost been thankful if it hadn't felt like she'd just rolled in off 24 hour shore leave during a an 18 month deployment. She'd gone the motions with Traynor and then Liara before heading down to the armory to perform any last minute upgrades she could. They were on the approach to the moon by then and she needed something to focus on besides her own worries until went planetside.

An hour later she'd geared up with James and Liara in tow to board the Kodiak. The descent to the surface was worse than she'd expected. As Palaven loomed through the Kodiak's view screen she felt her heart shudder. The entire planet was aflame, Reapers attacking every city. Garrus was down there. She barely heard Liara's apology, knowing she was referring to more than just earth. Was he fighting, or maybe dead? She shook her head violently to dislodge the thought. Garrus was a survivor. Merc bands, Geth, Cerberus soldiers, none of them had taken him out and these Reaper bastards wouldn't either. She kept telling herself as they went over the mission briefing. Periodically Garrus's face would pop into her head and for a moment her breath would catch in her throat before she managed to steer her thoughts back to the task at hand. When James asked about Palaven her response had been wooden and the lack of emotion scared her. She felt empty, like he was already gone and she'd retreated into the safety of memory rather than face reality.

When the bay doors opened and husks started pouring over the landscape she unholstered her rifle and took more pleasure than she should have as she lined up her sights. Every clean shot resulted in the memory of Garrus's exultant voice during past battles together. "Boom, headshot." She whispered as she took out a husk that was about to vault over the barrier of a turian guard post. With Garrus in her head and in her heart she felt stronger than she had since Anderson had left her with a ship and a mission and told her to leave him behind. With a small smile and nod to the soldiers she took her team into the compound. She had a job to do and Garrus would be the last person to want her to risk the mission. As they approached General Corinthus she squared her shoulders, she had a Primarch to bring back.


End file.
